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Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
_____

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed
me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_____

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad’s rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
_____

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_____

THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

_____

FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if
you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
_____

SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
_____

SUNDAY :
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun –
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds